Revision RESponse & plan
Summative Comment:
Digging into and explain abstract concepts well: I was thinking critically as I explored the relationship and tried to attach to my argument for the whole coherence in the essay. For abstract concepts, I carefully explained with examples instead of only presenting definitions given in dictionaries.
Good handling of TS templates: I went over the template sheet before I started to write my essay. I found it helpful since I could integrate templates with my arguments. Various templates indeed improve the sentence variety in my essay.
HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM:
Timidity:
How: I usually used the first statement to present my argument. For example, I wrote, “I would like to stay positive on the question based on my personal experiences.” Such method of illustration seems to undercut the importance of my argument.
Solution: I used less first statements. I presented my arguments more directly and hoped that my attitude was clarified in a better way.
Future: I will be more careful when I present my views. Sometimes “I” is not necessary to write in the essay since arguments are made clearly. It is easy for audience to infer a writer’s arguments even without the writer stating “I”.
Paragraph & Paragraph Organization:
How: I did not figure out the way in which each of the pieces in my paragraph could fit best together. I needed more explanations and evidence on some of my statements in the essay. Sometimes I seemed to step back on the previous points I had made.
Solution: I tried to organize my sentences in an order which could promote my arguments more efficiently. I made some developments to clarify my opinions and avoided repeating what I had already wrote previously.
Future: I will pay more attention to the logical flow when I am writing. It is probably better for me to look over the whole paragraph to check the coherence before I start another new one.
Transitions:
How: I used some inappropriate transition words or phrases. Thus the relationship became confused for the audience.
Solution: I reviewed comments on transition parts in my essay and reconsidered each relationship carefully. I tried to revise and choose the key transitional phrases that made the most sense for my audience.
Future: I will do my best to figure out the appropriate word which can best describe the relationship between the sentence comes before and the one after. I might ask my writing partner or tutor for helping me choose proper words or phrases.
LOW-ORDER PROBLEM
Word choices:
EX 1 ORIGINAL: concede
EX 1 REVISION: conclude. The word “concede” seems to infer that one does not agree with something initially but finally agrees. Since the person is emphasizing a point, the word “conclude” better fits.
How: I used simple words that do not represent the clear meaning.
Solution: I carefully read each comment and highlighting part about the usage of words. Then I tried to revise by myself first. I also used online sources for finding better words.
Future: I will try my best to discover words that are impressive, not just applicable. Though it is hard for me to make the best decision, I believe that my knowledge of vocabularies will be improved after carefully implementing this process.
Transition words:
EX 1 ORIGINAL: According to some studies
EX 1 REVISION: As studies have shown. This transition phrase at the beginning of a paragraph clearly represents the relationship between elements.
How: I used some inappropriate transition words or phrases. Thus the relationship became confused for the audience.
Solution: I reviewed comments on transition parts in my essay and reconsidered each relationship carefully. I tried to revise and choose the key transitional phrases that made the most sense for my audience.
Future: I will do my best to figure out the appropriate word which can best describe the relationship between the sentence comes before and the one after. I might ask my writing partner or a tutor for helping me choose proper words or phrases.
Unclear words and phrases:
EX 1 ORIGINAL: space is abstract without the substantial sense while place is subjective with attached meanings by local people
EX 1 REVISION: place is subjective with attached meanings by local people but space lacks the same significance. “The substantial sense” is a general idea which may lead confusions, thus I replace the phrase by directly pointing out the comparison result.
How: I did not express my opinions clearly. Phrases I chose needed further clarifications as well as descriptions. Sentences sometimes were too general and caused confusion.
Solution: I added more explanation for unclear phrases. For example, “most” is probably a word too general because we do not know the scope and the range it represents; however, if we can incorporate statistics or data in the essay, the word becomes more specific.
Future: I will pay attention to some obscure words. I will try to make my opinions clearly standing behind each sentence and provide more descriptions on phrases that might lead misunderstanding.
Digging into and explain abstract concepts well: I was thinking critically as I explored the relationship and tried to attach to my argument for the whole coherence in the essay. For abstract concepts, I carefully explained with examples instead of only presenting definitions given in dictionaries.
Good handling of TS templates: I went over the template sheet before I started to write my essay. I found it helpful since I could integrate templates with my arguments. Various templates indeed improve the sentence variety in my essay.
HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM:
Timidity:
How: I usually used the first statement to present my argument. For example, I wrote, “I would like to stay positive on the question based on my personal experiences.” Such method of illustration seems to undercut the importance of my argument.
Solution: I used less first statements. I presented my arguments more directly and hoped that my attitude was clarified in a better way.
Future: I will be more careful when I present my views. Sometimes “I” is not necessary to write in the essay since arguments are made clearly. It is easy for audience to infer a writer’s arguments even without the writer stating “I”.
Paragraph & Paragraph Organization:
How: I did not figure out the way in which each of the pieces in my paragraph could fit best together. I needed more explanations and evidence on some of my statements in the essay. Sometimes I seemed to step back on the previous points I had made.
Solution: I tried to organize my sentences in an order which could promote my arguments more efficiently. I made some developments to clarify my opinions and avoided repeating what I had already wrote previously.
Future: I will pay more attention to the logical flow when I am writing. It is probably better for me to look over the whole paragraph to check the coherence before I start another new one.
Transitions:
How: I used some inappropriate transition words or phrases. Thus the relationship became confused for the audience.
Solution: I reviewed comments on transition parts in my essay and reconsidered each relationship carefully. I tried to revise and choose the key transitional phrases that made the most sense for my audience.
Future: I will do my best to figure out the appropriate word which can best describe the relationship between the sentence comes before and the one after. I might ask my writing partner or tutor for helping me choose proper words or phrases.
LOW-ORDER PROBLEM
Word choices:
EX 1 ORIGINAL: concede
EX 1 REVISION: conclude. The word “concede” seems to infer that one does not agree with something initially but finally agrees. Since the person is emphasizing a point, the word “conclude” better fits.
How: I used simple words that do not represent the clear meaning.
Solution: I carefully read each comment and highlighting part about the usage of words. Then I tried to revise by myself first. I also used online sources for finding better words.
Future: I will try my best to discover words that are impressive, not just applicable. Though it is hard for me to make the best decision, I believe that my knowledge of vocabularies will be improved after carefully implementing this process.
Transition words:
EX 1 ORIGINAL: According to some studies
EX 1 REVISION: As studies have shown. This transition phrase at the beginning of a paragraph clearly represents the relationship between elements.
How: I used some inappropriate transition words or phrases. Thus the relationship became confused for the audience.
Solution: I reviewed comments on transition parts in my essay and reconsidered each relationship carefully. I tried to revise and choose the key transitional phrases that made the most sense for my audience.
Future: I will do my best to figure out the appropriate word which can best describe the relationship between the sentence comes before and the one after. I might ask my writing partner or a tutor for helping me choose proper words or phrases.
Unclear words and phrases:
EX 1 ORIGINAL: space is abstract without the substantial sense while place is subjective with attached meanings by local people
EX 1 REVISION: place is subjective with attached meanings by local people but space lacks the same significance. “The substantial sense” is a general idea which may lead confusions, thus I replace the phrase by directly pointing out the comparison result.
How: I did not express my opinions clearly. Phrases I chose needed further clarifications as well as descriptions. Sentences sometimes were too general and caused confusion.
Solution: I added more explanation for unclear phrases. For example, “most” is probably a word too general because we do not know the scope and the range it represents; however, if we can incorporate statistics or data in the essay, the word becomes more specific.
Future: I will pay attention to some obscure words. I will try to make my opinions clearly standing behind each sentence and provide more descriptions on phrases that might lead misunderstanding.